Have you ever been on a donor visit when the donor starts to discuss politics, religion, or race?

For fundraisers, discussing touchy subjects is like mentioning politics at a family gathering: We are not there to debate but to foster positive feelings. We are told that when a donor raises a touchy topic we should not be drawn in—much less offer our own opinion—but listen respectfully and find a way to move on.

But should "listen but don't engage" always be our default position? Should we not strive to understand what donors think, even if their worldview makes us uncomfortable? By inviting donors to clarify their views—and by responding with how we see the issue, through the ideals of our institution—we can deepen our awareness of each other's values and arrive at a common goal.

Reaching a mutual understanding

In a previous position as a senior major gift officer, I was assigned to a retired banker whose family was a friend of the university. He had strong libertarian values. Government has no business subsidizing higher education; let the market determine the price of education, he argued. I represented a public university and believed that government does have a role. He welcomed me but made clear that because of his views he would not support the institution.

Over several conversations, I began to understand the principles that shaped his position: that students should not rely on government aid but must earn their support. Student clubs should not be initiated, managed, or funded by the university but be self-determined, self-regulated, and self-funded. I matched his beliefs to a student-created group that raised money through manual labor for need-based scholarships and that required recipients to participate to earn the scholarship. He, in turn, established an endowment for this program. If I had not addressed his philosophical position, I doubt this gift would have happened.

Fundraising is ultimately about giving voice to a cause or mission. With every gift, with attendance at events, with efforts on our schools' behalf, donors express their passion for the institution. To dismiss a donor's strongly held opinion is like saying, "I don't respect your voice—I just want you to give."

Gift officers don't raise money by rote. We, too, have voice and values, and we can't do our jobs without them. As consultant Frank Schubert writes in the CURRENTS article "Values, Vision, ‘Embodied Opportunities'": "You can let the donors guide you to their values, but in doing so they must also recognize similar values in you personally and in the organization you represent. If you are not in touch with these deeply personal values, or if you cannot articulate them in service to your institution, then the principal gift cultivation has nowhere to go."

Talking openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics can strengthen relationships, according to research in the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High. Neither couples nor companies succeed when they avoid necessary problem-resolving discussions. A key component is establishing a "pool of shared meaning" to which everyone brings their own views, feelings, and experiences (in our case, views informed by the institution's values). Once exposed to each other's views, we better understand them and create a new respect.

I used this principle with a financier alumnus who said CEOs should not take moral positions on behalf of their company. Maximizing profits should be their only priority, he said. I asked him to clarify his interpretation of capitalism, adding that the college I represent emphasizes social justice and the common good, both of which raise the question: For what end is capitalism? He lauded the points I raised and shared examples of how the market can address social justice concerns. In the end, I came to understand how he framed social justice within his economics perspective, he came to support our economics department, and we each advanced our understanding of the institution's values.

The rules of engagement

When dealing with touchy subjects remember these essential points:

1. In the words of former U.S. President John Quincy Adams, do not go "in search of monsters to destroy." Unless your organization's mission is to advocate a particular issue, your goal is not to introduce opinions and change minds. Rather, let the donor raise the issue.
2. When a donor presents a strong position, reflect on your motivation for addressing it. Will doing so help you both to understand, articulate, and clarify values for mutually desired ends? If you simply want to set the donor straight, listen but do not engage.
3. If you choose to engage, be authentic. Do you really want to understand or are you engaging just to be polite? The donor can tell the difference. When I explore what's behind a strong opinion, I frame my response along these lines: "Thank you for sharing that. In serving the university it is important for me to understand what our supporters think in regard to what we represent. This is how I understand our values. Help me to understand how you interpret these values based on what you shared."
4. Only engage if you sense that there is a "safe zone" of trust, respect, and authenticity. Even if the donor introduces the touchy subject, you want to converse, not debate—weigh, not plant positions.
5. Be attentive to cues. If the donor, or you, gets defensive, angry, or visibly uncomfortable, do not proceed. If that "safe zone" disappears, then pull back or wait until you feel the emotions are more controlled and, again, let the donor bring it up.

Engaging with donors on touchy subjects is not the only way to advance shared values or always the best way—especially when the opinion is gratuitous, irrelevant to your institution's mission, or when the person is not given to reflection. Touchy subjects, though, should not be automatically sidestepped, ignored, or trivialized as a matter of course. They can lead to better insight about a donor quicker than superficial, roundabout questions and can substantiate our own voice and role as gift officers.